so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
