if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
