we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
