tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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