The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I am available for nakedness
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
