I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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