i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
