somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
