I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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