All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
