I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
