Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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