i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
