last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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