my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
