If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
