i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I intend to get homeless drunk
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
