So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
