I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
