I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
