I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
They took my balls.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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