she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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