I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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