She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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