i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
