planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
