my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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