Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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