he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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