then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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