I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
