whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
