OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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