Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
