I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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