im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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