if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
