i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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