his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
