he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
