he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
