I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i want to swaddle you in tequila
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
