Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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