i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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