Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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