his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
