I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
