My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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