My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
