Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
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