i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
