If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
