She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
